Have been fighting back the deep dark depression. Sometimes I win and feel like life will go on and I'm going to be fine, I just have to power through and then sometimes I feel like sinking into a hole behind a locked closet door. Last night was rough, this morning was wretched, this afternoon I feel fine again. I wish I were stable but, I'm not, not even sort of. The Problem is still a big icky thing that didn't go away.
We are having explosive crashes of thunder and a steady pelting rain right now. Its so dark that I had to turn on all the lights in the house even though its not even six o'clock. We've sure been getting more than our share of rain. There is a permanent puddle in the east end of my garden, and the yard is kind of forever squishy. I did just plant up the giant pot on our front stoop with summer flowers though so, they'll enjoy the watering. The violas were finally petering out so, I plopped in a bunch of fire colored blossoms (lantana, some kind of mini-daisies, begonias in lipstick red) with a wave of creamy white pentunias cresting over the back edge and a royal blue lobelia pouring off the front lip. I feel slightly better with that little fiesta of color right outside the front door. I also swept the stoop...there's something lovely about a clean, smooth doorstep.
Took the boys this afternoon and drove north to attend an Attachment Parent/Homeschooling group. We hiked through a fabulous state park which was also the site of a major Revolutionary War encampment. It was lovely and green and full of caves and cool rocks, gurgley streams, moss, frogs of various stripes and lovely clear ponds. There was only one other mama there with her little girl but she was so welcoming and so kind that I can't wait to go back again for their next event. Her little one was super kind to Reuben and Gideon and both boys had so much fun that there were many tears spilt when our leaving was finally announced. I cannot wait to meet the other members of the group and get to know some more fabulous folks who are just as crunchy as they wanna be. Its a great thing to not feel weird.
Comments (10)
It IS so nice to get to know like-minded people, but it is definitely something I struggle with in the non-virtual world. It gets kind of discouraging and tiring to always be the "weird" one about what we eat, our parenting decisions, etc. I am so glad you had a refreshing afternoon with another mama and I just prayed for grace and peace for you in the midst of your struggle.
I agree, support is so important as are breaks and lovely days. Treat yourself as gently as possible. It is very hard much of the time but you can do it. Remember if you were alone you could not, it is through God that we are able to persevere. He is there when we have no strength or hope or love or vision at all. Trust me I have been in pits and valleys and even pled with God to please take from me the burden of everything that worries me so much and wears me down and makes me feel hopeless and fearful. But it is not that he takes us away from it so much as he holds our hands I think. Yea though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death for he is with us. We still have to walk. So keep one foot in front of the other. I love you sooooo much and my heart breaks for you and aches for your relief. This too shall pass.
Romans 8:28- All things work together for those who love the Lord.
Hang on to all things and look away from the darkness. This depression seems to be a family thing. I've learned to do something, like your walk in the park, to change my surroundings when i get like you describe. Hang on tight to Jesus, he will hold you tightly through this and know you are love and cherished. My prayers are there for you as well.Aunt NancySending love, and lifting prayers....
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We're praying for you all.
Cutepickles said it all. She is so wise. Put it ALL in God's hands.
Love you darlin"!"But the salvation of the righteous is of the LORD: he is their strength in the time of trouble. And the LORD shall help them, and deliver them: he shall deliver them from the wicked, and save them, because they trust in him" (Psalm 37:39-40).
Still praying for you.
We were away this weekend for our anniversary, but I'm glad to see an update on how you're doing so I know better how to pray. It's wonderful that you got such a lovely walk. Praise the Lord for sweet, crunchy mamas when times are rough.
I talked to Mom yesterday....I'm praying for you!
I have had serious bouts of depression over the years and I know what it is like to feel so alone and burdened by the heavy weight of despair. Worst of all, the complete lack of energy to do anything, even the things that you know would help you feel better, and the vicious cycle that can spring out of that lack of energy (lethargy, anger at yourself, more hopelessness, lethargy). What a terrible time for you. I'll be praying. And godspeed to find your way through this. This too shall pass.
Psalm 62:5-8
Remind yourself that this is not depression this is fear about something very real that God will bring you through. You will get through this but it is hard to do. Fear can cripplie you if you let it. Perfect love, God's love, casts off fear.