Have been fighting back the deep dark depression. Sometimes I win and feel like life will go on and I'm going to be fine, I just have to power through and then sometimes I feel like sinking into a hole behind a locked closet door. Last night was rough, this morning was wretched, this afternoon I feel fine again. I wish I were stable but, I'm not, not even sort of. The Problem is still a big icky thing that didn't go away.

We are having explosive crashes of thunder and a steady pelting rain right now. Its so dark that I had to turn on all the lights in the house even though its not even six o'clock. We've sure been getting more than our share of rain. There is a permanent puddle in the east end of my garden, and the yard is kind of forever squishy. I did just plant up the giant pot on our front stoop with summer flowers though so, they'll enjoy the watering. The violas were finally petering out so, I plopped in a bunch of fire colored blossoms (lantana, some kind of mini-daisies, begonias in lipstick red) with a wave of creamy white pentunias cresting over the back edge and a royal blue lobelia pouring off the front lip. I feel slightly better with that little fiesta of color right outside the front door. I also swept the stoop...there's something lovely about a clean, smooth doorstep.

Took the boys this afternoon and drove north to attend an Attachment Parent/Homeschooling group. We hiked through a fabulous state park which was also the site of a major Revolutionary War encampment. It was lovely and green and full of caves and cool rocks, gurgley streams, moss, frogs of various stripes and lovely clear ponds. There was only one other mama there with her little girl but she was so welcoming and so kind that I can't wait to go back again for their next event. Her little one was super kind to Reuben and Gideon and both boys had so much fun that there were many tears spilt when our leaving was finally announced. I cannot wait to meet the other members of the group and get to know some more fabulous folks who are just as crunchy as they wanna be. Its a great thing to not feel weird.

There is a mama sparrow teaching her babies how to eat seeds by our front door and a group of baby robins learning how to get a worm down whole in the the back by the garden gate. June is here in all her glory. The purple petunias on my back fence are starting to drip over the edge of the windowbox nicely and we've ripped out the first crop of spinach and arugula, leaving some open brown patches in the garden. I've been mulling over what to plant there next and may need to consult my Victory Garden book.

There is a lettuce plant growing in the big container with my fig tree on the deck, I dumped out the soil from a six pack of a batch of lettuce that didn't germinate into the planter and lately one straggling lettuce seedling that I thought was a goner in that six-pack has come into its own very happily at the base of the fig's trunk. Its a little silly but, it makes me smile. This courageous little lettuce plant, happily making a go of it where it was dumped.

This week my good pals Birdy Mama, Nutmeg and I (and of course our various offspring) made a trip to the farmer's market together. It had been raining all morning so everything was wet, it was a touch chilly and the crowds were down a touch but, it made no difference to the pre-school types. Birdy Mama's daughter and Ru had a fablous time, jetting down the whole strip, Lettuce Man to Bread Stall to Egg Lady and back again, always looping in a cloud of shrieks and giggles near the goat's milk soap vendor, weaving between his table and the tomato plants the guy next door was selling. I didn't buy much: a pint of organic strawberries, a half a gallon of fresh milk, a dozen eggs and a generous tour through the sample trays at various booths (the Goat Cheese Man is always a great favorite) but it was so fun just to be there.  And we said again (as Nutmeg and I say to each other every week now) "Someday, we'll have to try those tamales everyone's always lined up for!" The air smelled soft and fresh, the spiderwort at the edge of the parking lot was blazing purple and green and everyone was walking just a touch slower and enjoying the day. Gosh I love the farmer's market!

Ru is so, so, so into Richard Scarry. He has read all three of the books I bought him to death. So, I bought him more. They just came in the mail. I replaced some of the old, tattered favorites and replenished his library with new Scarry titles we'd never read and he'd never even seen. I hoped he'd like them. And then as soon as the cardboard box was opened that they arrived in, he was just beside himself. He spends almost all day every day now, flipping quietly through the pages by himself in a corner. Yesterday I even heard him laughing outloud heartily at some particularly genius illustration. And this morning he came down the stairs after waking up with all of his new books in his arms (a hefty load!) and a huge grin on his smile over the stack.

                 "Mommy! I have a lot of books!"
                 "Yes you do, Reuben."
                 "I'm a happy guy, Mommy!"

There are few things that could warm this mommy's heart more toastily than that. I bought him books and it made him happy! I've done it folks. I've made a bookworm!

Gideon is officially a walker now. All week he's been strolling around grinning proudly, open palms fluttering  up near his shoulders like he's a tight rope walker. Cute babe. Something just clicked this past weekend and he finally decided he was brave enough. I have no idea what made him decide he could do it, he just suddenly was! He's very subtle that way. We can't quite get over the fact that he's walking, even though he's been doing it all week, we still pause, watching him high-step across the living room, all the way from the sliding glass door to the dining room table and we hold our breath and our eyes shine and there is much explosive clapping and sweeping him up for kisses when he does indeed arrive.

I have been working on compiling a book of key pictures of Gideon's first year of life. Its been really fun. I think I've made it up to six months so far. Jane is thinking about starting a scrapbooking business (and really people, she's brilliant at it!) and I am one of her first customers. I'm having her make a scrapbook for each boy but, first I wanted to make sure that I made a portrait book for Gideon like I did for Reuben when he was small. Basically this means that I'm collecting the photos from his monthly portraits into a hardbound book that Snapfish will print up for me. I add text and occasional quotes and its something lovely for the boys to look through and other family to enjoy too. There are so many other special moments and great pictures besides just the portraits that I'd love to have in a book for everyone to enjoy too though and I haven't done anything in the way of albums for Reuben for a couple of years now. So I'm really looking forward to Jane's expert work helping me out there, having the guilt load off my shoulders and having those fabulous albums all more beautifully made then I'd do anyhow! This is why community is a good thing. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.